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code brown!



<img src="http://img.ifcdn.com/images/29074745270f0afccba71cdbaeee892fc73337992519148f166c9c81f5f1642c_1.jpg" alt="The better to see he features with"/>

Very funny

Mike Reynolds:
 LOL That was brilliant

Lololol that's pretty good

read this on another Jeep forum.  be sure to put your coffee down before reading this.

So.......driving home from Galveston last weekend (spring break), I decide to stop at (what USED to be) a great hamburger joint in Alvin. I had already had a long day in insane traffic, no sleep the night before (going on about 32 hours), and been on the road for about 6 hours already.

So......I stop in to order up. I notice however....that the place doesn't seem as nice as I remembered. It smells different.....funny.....but not "haha" funny....more "urinal-cake and rotting flesh" kinda funny. But I'm hungry as a whore after Jeep Beach and decide to set my sights on a triple cheeseburger with dbl cheese, jalapenos, all the fixin's, onion rings (that also smelled "not quite right".....like maybe they had been deep-fried in a solution of lye, Windex, and bong water).

So......I grub out in the parking lot- top and doors off of the Jeep, feeling ready for bed, and not looking fwd to the 3 1/2 hr drive to get home. I power-graze the undignified mess of ground-cow, and swill down most of the big-ass Dr. Pepper/ Fanta strawberry (suicide), before getting back on the road. I have a pretty nasty headache and exhaustion is now setting in, so I pop 3 Excedrin Migraine's, 4 Mega-Man vitamins, and crack open a large warm Red Bull.....sucking down the cocktail like a crooked CPA on April 14th.

So......now I'm back on the road and feeling okay.....toking down a Camel, and cranking on some Montgomery Gentry. I take the back roads to avoid the traffic. Each town gets smaller and creepier on this route. There is a thick fog now blanketing the route......hanging heavy throughout the cypress trees and inbred communities along the way.

So......at this point my bowels are beginning to groan and cry out in a very disturbing orchestration of lament. I contemplate that I may need to make an unscheduled pit stop by the side of the road.....the kind of stop that might require a mad dash into a culvert with a roll of shop towels and some Wet-Wipes. I am thinking "No....this is not happening". With only one pair of shorts, I can't envision the rest of this trip in only stained Hanes and a JKO t-shirt.

So......now it's getting worse. There is something in the plumbing that sorely needs to be addressed.....and QUICKLY! Ahead, I can see the glimmering lights of a store that that appears to be open. I tear into the parking lot like Jr coming into the pits at Daytona. It's a Home Depot......whew! Public restrooms surely await.

So.......I am now walking in the door fully clenched and feeling that the slightest crown will bring instantaneous full evacuation. I plead with the 1st employee that I see "WHERE ARE THE RESTROOMS???" He looks at me rather disgusted and says "they are over there....up front by the registers". I tell him "Thanks and sorry.....but if I need to buy a 2x4 to make this thing happen, then I will." He says "No....it's all good" and faintly laughs.

So......at this juncture, I am reeling in a dizzying daze of full on symphonic intestinal disruption. In I go.....only to be horrified at my discovery......2 urinals, and a row of 5 or 6 stalls that are all (but one) out of order. But the working stall is vacant, so I make a bee-line towards it. Inside, I discover the most degraded and disgusting mess of handy-man debachery known to man. There is at least 20 varieties of fecal samples peppered in, on, and around the lone-shitter. On the seat is also an eclectic array of urine and pubes......just awaiting their next host. My nose is now enveloped with the vintage anal-aromatics of travelers past. I have to regain sphincter control for just a moment to make this epic event manageable. I begin furiously grasping at the toilet paper holder........only able to obtain a shredded wad of the single-ply rice paper into my clutches. It's barely enough, but I begin to methodically and feverishly build my ass-nest upon the portal of evil. MY anus is angry. I have continued to refuse exportation and have subsequently taunted the beckoning bowels of the beast inside me. I moan, and squeeze with possessed fortitude. But now.....I begin to lose the fight. I unzip and pull down in a desperate attempt at a 360. The devils juice now spews uncontrolled, in a violent and furious uprising of harrowing fate. I don't even have time to sit. I am now simply the violated and victimized vessel of transport.......attempting to aim as best as I can while hovering above the abyss. Between the pain, the squinting, the sweating, and the swearing.....I believe that my soul transcended my body at that moment.....in a time/ space continuum.......I heard the angels, time stopped, and the world went black. I was alive. The rectal rage was over. I quivered for several minutes, almost falling over from the trauma......cleaned up, and headed to the sink.

That unspeakable crucible of evil, will forever live within me. The aftermath of that event will likely never allow that lone stall to ever be completely restored to it's original state. As I left that restroom, and exited the store......I could see a beautiful sun setting on the horizon, the birds were singing, the air was crisp and clean.......but all that echoed in my mind was......"The horror......THE HORROR!"


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